Rewind 3 weeks. Ahren and Tim had taken a tumble down the stairs and Tim ended up in neck surgery by the end of the week with his second cervical fusion. Ahren ended up in a cast with a broken leg in three places. Ahren was 13 months at this point and weighed 30 pounds. He was also not walking yet. So, 9 months of pregnant me became his mode of transportation because Tim was recovering from neck surgery.
When the events of the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy were combined with a sick baby, I needed help. I began taking anti-depressants for post-partum depression. I was pregnant again within 10 months and then again in 12 months. So, I never went off the drugs. My body was maxed out with nursing and birthing babies and caring for the ones I already had. I depended on those meds to make life bearable. I prayed every morning for the strength to rise above the depression and God's grace was sufficient to sustain my spirit...but my flesh needed intervention. Synapses in my brain were not functioning correctly and the precious lives entrusted to me were becoming too much for me to bear.
I truly believe in modern medicine. It's what saved Lydia's life when her lungs didn't produce the surfactant necessary to make oxygen exchange possible. It's what carried me through the last 5 1/2 years without throwing a child out the window and making sure my feet hit the floor every morning.
But the time has come to be done with the drugs. I'm tired of depending on them to make life ok. I want life to be ok without adding chemistry projects to my system. So, 5 weeks ago I began weaning myself off of them. Three weeks ago I completely stopped taking them. Let me tell you the side effects of quitting anti-depressants: dizziness and extreme emotional swings. The dizziness is annoying, but I'm quite able to function. It's pretty much gone now anyway. The emotions are not back to normal yet. Any little thing will send me to tears - quickly. And not just the gentle tear rolling down your cheek. The snorting, sobbing tears that are embarrassing. It's like my emotions have been wearing sunglasses for 5 1/2 years and now I've taken them off and the light is blinding! I'm looking s.t.r.a.i.g.h.t. into the sun with no protection for my
Now the dailyness of life is still hard, but I'm able to cope better. I feel more like me and more normal. I like me... most days. I like knowing God isn't finished with me yet and being able to dream and be prepared for what He has in store.
I will not hesitate to take medication again if life becomes too overwhelming because I believe it has its place in life. But now I'm enjoying this life with no emotional sunglasses and I like what I see.
Thank you for sharing this, Adriane. I know so many of those feelings - the much-needed numbing of emotions, the shock when they come back, and the dizziness! Oh, the dizziness. I *hated* that part. You are very much not alone, my friend, and I applaud you for not only sharing, but for going through the tough process you are going through now. Hugs to you!!
ReplyDeleteI just want to say that I am balling like a little baby over here. I'm so proud of you, and so blessed to call you friend. We have been friends since a young age, and haven't talked in almost 15 years. (Thank the Lord for Facebook) Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for being real. Thank you for not hiding behind the "Christian" facade. Emotions are very real. Hormonal imbalances, and chemical imbalances, are very real. Depression and anxiety are very real....GOD is very real. He can handle it and wants too. You are an inspiration to me. You have encourage me in a way I think you may never understand. Thank you. <3
ReplyDeleteAwesome. I think my most favorite thing is when Christians are REAL. It's what led me to Christ in the first place. Seeing I was not as different from everyone else. Love it.
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